Being a quintessential seeker of truth, my attention was recently drawn back to the methods used by government officials to alert citizens of possible terrorist attacks.

These warnings, however, were confusing at best, and stupefying at worst. I mean, think about it.

Even now, every time we are subjected to an alert of a terrorist attack--delivered with a smile by Bush or a scowl by Cheney --we are all, depending on the urgency of the perceived threat, thrown into moods ranging from mild apprehension, to agitated states resembling St.Vitus Dance.

You may also remember that these announcements of impending attacks came in several colors---much like using wind speeds to determine the strength of a hurricane: Yellow: the possibility of an attack; Orange: the likelihood of an attack; and Red: an imminent attack.

Now, the trouble with this warning system is that just as threats can change from day to day, even hour to hour, so will the colors, until you don’t know whether to ignore the warning and keep eating your sushi, or say a quick prayer and dive under the bed.

I have, therefore, devised an ingenious new, color-coordinated, terrorist attack warning system that I believe is infinitely better and more protective of our future…if there is one.

I’ve categorized the threats more definitively by breaking them down into a spectrum of eight colors instead of only three; each color defining a specific threat and a countermeasure for dealing with it.

Moore’s New Color-coordinated Terrorist Warning Chart (MCTWC) looks like this:

RED ALERT

NUCLEAR ATTACK. Highest alert. Earth shaking blast on the way. Expect to be dead any moment.

Countermeasure: None. Too late. If you’re on the toilet don’t bother flushing it.

ORANGE ALERT

IMMINENT ATTACK. Probably nuclear.

Countermeasure: Leave town fast. If you never lived on a farm, try it. It’s not heaven but it’s better than becoming a flambé.(Don’t forget the dog.) Note: If they pronounce nuclear nucular the threat may be a practical joke.

YELLOW ALERT

PROBABLE ATTACK. Likely a ballistic missile.

Countermeasure: Take refuge at once in a Cold War bomb shelter. Your grandparents may still have theirs handy. (Leave the canned food for the next alert.) Also, ear plugs and a few Hail Marys couldn’t hurt.

BROWN ALERT

POSSIBLE ATTACK: May be a suicide bomber.  Countermeasure: Be suspicious of men with beards and bushy mustaches. Avoid convenience stores and gas stations. Beware of any lady who looks pregnant—-she may not have a baby in there.

PURPLE ALERT

POISON GAS ATTACK. Could be a rumor. Maybe not. Countermeasures: Buy a miner’s canary. Practice holding your breath for five minutes. Sniff the air for strange odors, away from city dumps if possible. As a last resort, crawl into any airtight container that’s handy and lock yourself in.

GREEN ALERT

ANTHRAX ATTACK. None yet, but take notice.

Countermeasures: Pay a stranger to open your mail. Forward some unopened letters to the politician of your choice. Look up the word anthrax to make sure your precautions are worth the bother.

LAVENDER ALERT

REMINDER ATTACK. No threat. Just the State’s cute little way of keeping us in a constant state of anxiety and nervous exhaustion.

Countermeasure: Cancel your newspaper and magazine subscriptions. Disconnect your TV. Shut down your conservative websites. You won’t stay informed, but you’ll get more sleep.

WHITE ALERT

No attack expected, and no hints of terrorism. Countermeasure: Stay constantly alert at all times just the same. That way, if a nuclear missile is on the way over, you’ll know about it; even if the FBI, the CIA, and Home Security don’t.

Moore’s Terrorist Attack Warning Chart took long hours of deep thought to create. If it saves just one life, it needs more work.

James T. Moore
http://jamestmoore.us/